


Wait, Did Amateur Porn on PornHub Lie to Me?

by anarchycox



Series: Kink Triptych [3]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Awkward, Fail sex, Feels, M/M, PWP, Sex, Size Kink, Voice Kink, and you have no idea what to do, best friends are done with your shit, emergency calls to best friends, fail sex becomes awesome sex, minor harroxy, the boys finally do the do, they have problems of their own now, when weeks of flirting become action
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 14:08:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14854247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: After weeks of flirting Merlin and Eggsy are finally going to have sex. It is going to be perfect.Almost perfect.Sorta perfect.Oh dear god what is happening?





	Wait, Did Amateur Porn on PornHub Lie to Me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elrhiarhodan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elrhiarhodan/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [【翻譯】等等，我是被PornHub裡的素人片給騙了嗎？ Wait, Did Amateur Porn on PornHub Lie to Me?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15351906) by [sandykill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandykill/pseuds/sandykill)



Andrew didn't comment as a soaking wet Merlin and Eggsy walked through the shop, which they were eternally grateful for. Once they were outside they just stared at each other.

"What now?" Eggsy asked.

"We pick a flat to go to and shag each other's brains out?" Merlin replied and hung his head when two people walking by turned and stared. "I don't really have supplies?" Merlin realized.

"Not like I'm shagging all about," Eggsy snapped back. Merlin flinched at the tone. "Sorry," Eggsy said. "Just meant, not really set up either."

Merlin looked to the building. "The estate is loaded but if we go back in, Harry will shoot us."

"We haven't been that bad," Eggsy protested.

A Kingsman driver was standing there with the door open for them. "Yes, you have," he said. "I will drive to a pharmacy, procure supplies, and take you to Merlin's house, because it is 1 kilometre closer."

Eggsy flushed bright red and the two very wet men got into the car. 30 minutes later they were standing just inside Merlin's house and they just stood there, doing nothing. Shivering from the wet clothes, but not talking, not reaching for each other. Merlin dropped the pharmacy bag and pushed Eggsy into the wall, trapping him against it. Hands holding Eggsy's arms above his head and Merlin looking down at him.

"Oh holy fuck," Eggsy said and stared up at Merlin. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck." He bit his lip, "Please, Merlin," he whispered.

Merlin groaned as the whisper almost slid down his spine and he shivered for a different reason. He leaned down and kissed Eggsy, a hard kiss, the sort that Eggsy had been telling him about for weeks. They stood there by the front door and snogged until they forgot to breathe, Eggsy trying to move and Merlin having him pinned in place. It was great, until he tried to move to grip Merlin and Merlin wouldn't let go. 

"Oi, Merlin, want to touch you," Eggsy whispered when they took a breath.

"You wanted it like this," Merlin protested.

"And now I want to touch you, so let go," Eggsy said and twisted his wrists to break the hold. He then grabbed Merlin's shoulders and pulled him back in for another kiss. He pushed himself up on tip toes to make them more equal and loved the feel of it until his calf muscle fluttered and spasmed unexpectedly and he collapsed and took them both to the ground.

"Fuck, ow," Merlin said as his funny bone hit the ground hard and his whole arm went numb. "What the fuck?"

"Sorry, charlie horse," Eggsy said and rolled off him. "Just give me a sec. We should get naked, that will help."

"Right here?" Merlin looked at the front hall. "Bedroom is just up there."

"Want me dripping all over those pretty wood steps?" Eggsy countered.

"Fair point," Merlin agreed. They both looked at each other and realized they'd be seeing each other properly and quickly began to remove clothes. Only a drenched bespoke suit is hard to get out of and Eggsy ended up sort of hopping about trying to shimmy out of everything. Merlin in his haste managed to knot the laces of one brogue so that the shoe was not coming off. His trousers were already around his ankles. "This is the worst," Merlin complained. He leaned over to the table and grabbed a knife taped to the under side and sliced through the laces. He then stood up and finished stripping down completely naked. 

He looked over at Eggsy who was down to one sock, his pants and his tie, somehow. And he was staring. 

And he kept staring.

Merlin moved his hands to cover himself. "Eggsy?" he said. "Can you say something?" Eggsy just kept staring. "Lad, please?"

"I feel I need to tell you something important," Eggsy said. He removed the tie and pants and completely forgot the one sock. "You are gorgeous. Like just...jesus, Merlin how don't you have a million people lined up to be shagged by you?"

"I could say the same for you," Merlin countered. "Apart from the sock?"

"What's wrong with my cock?" Eggsy frowned and looked down at himself. "Perfectly average, innit?" 

Merlin closed his eyes. "Sock, lad, I said sock." He pointed to Eggsy's foot.

"Oh, right," Eggsy used his other foot to get the sock off and there they were, two men, naked in the front hall. Once again they were just sort of staring at each other. "We shoulda got naked upstairs," Eggsy said into the silence.

"We really should have," Merlin agreed. "I feel like I should offer you tea or something."

"Can I go with or something?" Eggsy said. "I really like your or something."

Merlin scooped the pharmacy bag up off the floor and held out his free hand. "Let's go upstairs," he said softly. Eggsy smiled and took his hand and they went up to the bedroom. They stop beside the bed and Merlin puts the bag down. He turns and cups Eggsy's face, and Eggsy almost swoons at those long fingers against his cheeks, how much skin they can cover. "Hello, Eggsy," Merlin said and gave him a far more gentle kiss.

Eggsy sighed against him and it was slow and lovely and the passion and need came back to them. Merlin pushed him against the bed and Eggsy sat down and looked up at him. "Yeah," Eggsy said. It was all he could say. He lay his back down, wanting to really look up at Merlin and rather forgot the bag that Merlin had tossed down.

The paper rustled under him and they both heard a pop noise and wet grew against Eggsy's back. He sat up and they both looked at where the lube bottle managed to break its seal and begin to leak everywhere. Merlin stared at the mess almost entranced.

Eggsy figured the universe was trying to tell them something. "I'm gonna get dressed and go," he said.

"No," Merlin said swiftly.

"Bruv, this is a disaster," Eggsy replied. "If you haven't noticed, neither of us is really up for this," he gestured to their two soft cocks, "and every time we start to get into it something goes wrong." Eggsy shook his head. "Never have had to work this hard to get shagged by a bloke before."

"So the minute it isn't easy or perfect we're done?" Merlin said. 

"This was supposed to be magical!" Eggsy replied. "I was getting the guy of my dreams, all these weeks of foreplay and this was supposed to be the culmination and perfect and just it blows! And not in the fun way that blow should be in the bedroom." Eggsy was pouting and Merlin sat beside him. When Merlin wrapped an arm around him, Eggsy leaned in. "Merlin, what if we're all talk and no compatibility?" 

Merlin started to laugh and it went on long enough that Eggsy punched him. "Sorry, Eggsy, but it is funny."

"How is this funny?" Eggsy grumbled. "Your dick should already be in my arse and now if we want that to happen we have to scoop up the lube that has melted the paper bag and is currently staining your pretty quilt."

"My grandmother made the quilt."

Eggsy stared at him in horror. "You are not putting your dick in my arse on something your gran made! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Merlin started laughing so hard he fell off the bed. He crawled over to the desk in the corner and pulled out a spare phone. He was giggling as he hit the first phone number.

"You better be calling me to say round one is over," Harry hissed when he picked up.

"Not pass naked and snogs," Merlin said and kept giggling.

"Then why are you calling me?" Harry asked. "Oh god, wait, just because I wanked to those messages Eggsy was leaving you didn't think I wanted to hear the two of you, did you? Because I really do not."

"You did what now?" Eggsy shouted.

"You didn't tell him?" Harry's voice ranged through three octaves as he said that. "All conversation sent via glasses has to be listened to and archived, Eggsy," Harry explained. "The usual team was having difficulties and I took over that duty. You really should consider writing erotica as a sideline."

"Kill me," Eggsy begged. He felt too exposed and pulled the quilt over his lap. It spilled more of the lube and he remembered who made it. Eggsy jumped off the bed and Merlin kept laughing on the floor. "This is the worst," Eggsy moaned.

Merlin nodded. "Harry, we are failing miserably here."

"It's sex, how are you failing miserably? You want it, you like it, and each other, the moves shouldn't be that hard." Harry thought about it. "Ahh, too much pent up feelings. Both of you have a quick wank, burn off the initial energy and then go at it."

"I have a quick wank, I won't be good for a few hours, Harry," Merlin reminded him. "And why do you sound funny?"

"I don't sound funny," Harry replied stiffly. "I'm just..."

"Harry are you under your desk?" Merlin said recognizing the echoy sound.

"I might have embarrassed myself a little and am hiding under here," Harry replied. "I can't stop calling Roxy ma'am."

"Why is that a problem?" Merlin was lost.

"Roxy likes to top, be all in charge and shit in bed," Eggsy said unthinkingly. The three were silent. "Harry...did you know that?" Harry was very quiet. Eggsy had to take a few deep breaths not to laugh. "Harry...do you like this information?"

"I don't know!" Harry shouted. "You people and your sexual tension broke me, and now I know this information about Agent Lancelot and keep wondering what her strap on collection is like, and call her ma'am, and her pupils dilate when I say it, and I am pretty sure if I tried to flirt Percival would put a bullet in my brain and now I am under my desk and it is all your fault."

"She has a great strap on collection," Eggsy offered. "We got pissed one night and she showed it to me. She likes to handcuff people to her bed too."

Harry moaned. "No...you can't tell me that. Now I'm going to think things."

"I have a photo of her with a riding crop Harry, in her file, want me to send that to you?" Merlin asked.

Harry whimpered. "Stop it. You two are under orders. Wank or fuck or something. Just leave me out of it from here on out." He was quiet. "And send the bloody picture." He hung up and Merlin laughed some more.

Merlin tossed the phone up onto the desk and looked up at Eggsy. "Eggsy," he said. He didn't add anything else, but he held out his hand and Eggsy came over and Merlin pulled him down into his lap. The way they were sitting Eggsy was just a little above Merlin. It was an odd sensation for them both, but they liked it. "Eggsy," Merlin repeated and Eggsy kissed him.

They sat on the ground, Eggsy wrapped around him and they kissed and it felt more natural than anything had up until then. Eggsy leaned his forehead against Merlin's. "I want you," Eggsy said. "I dream about you and this, and it is all I want in the universe."

"Same," Merlin agreed. "And I think that is our problem."

"Oh?"

"Eggsy, it's sex," Merlin said. "Sex is awesome, but also stupid. Rather like both of us at the moment." Eggsy laughed a bit at that. "Fantasy is wonderful, and trust me you have created some amazing ones, but we don't have to be that. We just have to be us."

"I really hate talking a lot during sex and you get off on my voice," Eggsy said. He had secretly been worrying about that for a while.

"I get off on you," Merlin replied and kissed Eggsy some more. Eggsy wiggled in his lap and felt Merlin growing slowly hard underneath him. Eggsy smiled and added a few extra wiggles. "Shall we try the bed again?" Merlin asked.

"Nope, not with Granny quilt on it," Eggsy replied. "I'm good right here." He kissed Merlin some more and moaned at the way Merlin wrapped his arms around Eggsy and pulled him in tight. Even though Eggsy was still on top of his lap, he felt like Merlin was surrounding him. It was perfect.

"Can we at least scoot a little?" Merlin asked and Eggsy was a little confused until Merlin moved them so that his back was against the wall. "There we go," Merlin said and he dragged his finger nails up and down Eggsy's spine, just barely touching his arse. Eggsy shivered and Merlin kissed him again.

Merlin kept moving his fingers over Eggsy, a hand against his back, the other tracing patterns over Eggsy's thigh. He would have loved to touch Eggsy's chest but the younger man was plastered against him, clutching him tight as they kissed and it was difficult to argue with that. Especially when Eggsy began to rock his hips so that his arse was moving over Merlin's cock. Merlin broke their kiss so that he could nuzzle and nip at Eggsy's neck. Eggsy tilted his head back and just sighed at the feeling, the scrape of teeth. Merlin moved up a bit so that his lips were right against Eggsy's ear. "I'm going to very much enjoy fucking you," he whispered.

"Oh hell," Eggsy groaned. "You can't give me a voice kink too, babe. I barely survive seeing you as it is."

Merlin smiled, pleased. He eased Eggsy back just a little and wrapped his fingers around Eggsy's half hard cock. Eggsy dropped his head to Merlin's shoulder and sucked in his tight abs a little just to better watch Merlin's fingers move over his skin. Merlin pulled at Eggsy's length as best he could with how close their bodies were and felt himself grow harder as Eggsy's weight settled on his lap. He ran his thumb over the tip of Eggsy's cock, and thought how perfect that delicate and warm skin felt. "Oh lad, the things we are going to do to each other, when the lone bottle of lube isn't soaking into the bedding."

"You should have had some lube in the house," Eggsy said. He kissed Merlin's shoulder.

"I rather ran out thanks to the messages someone was leaving me," Merlin replied. He moved them forward so that Eggsy was on the ground, all stretched out, and achingly beautiful. Merlin sat between Eggsy's legs and began to properly pull him off, now that he had the space to do so. 

Eggsy arched into the touch, Merlin's fingers felt so good and were so bloody long and just...he could barely think. Eggsy stretched his arms above his head and just reached the edge of the quilt and tugged it off the bed. It fell down and the large wet spot on it landed on his face because of course it did. This time though they were both laughing. "You know this doesn't happen in amateur porn," Eggsy said. "Not that I watch porn."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "No of course not, neither do I," he agreed and he gently squeezed Eggsy's balls. 

Eggsy moved the quilt and was relieved that he was able to at least wet his hand with the lube. He angled his hips up onto Merlin's lap and used his strong leg muscles to pull Merlin close. Merlin guessed what the lad was trying to do and adjusted the angle so that their cocks were lined up against each other. He leaned over and dragged the bit of lube off of Eggsy's hand onto his own. He then moved his hands over both their cocks and it felt so good. Eggsy was quiet beyond sighs and moans and an occasional fuck yeah, and Merlin didn't press him down, cover him up. Instead it was almost nothing like they expected and all the better for it.

Eggsy arched into the touch and felt pressure building up against his spine. "Ramsay," he said and came all over Merlin's hands and their cocks. The extra wetness let Merlin's hands easily glide and a minute later he was coming as well. When he had his breath back, he eased Eggsy's legs off of him and lay down on the ground next to him. He pulled the quilt around them both.

Eggsy was too mellow to make a comment, just let Merlin pull him in, let the man spoon him. He sighed. "Right, that ended up better than the start."

"Hmm," Merlin agreed and kissed his head. "And we have a whole week to get it right."

"Yeah but one of us has to get dressed and get more lube," Eggsy pointed out. "You have clothes here, you should go. I'll keep the bed warm." He realized his back was starting to get stiff on the ground. "Bed sounds really good." Eggsy crawled over and up and lay on the bed. "Yeah, go forth and get us lube." He yawned and snuggled down. 

Merlin draped the quilt over him and went to the bathroom and cleaned himself up. He returned and grabbed the spare phone and sent Harry a message and crawled into the bed and cuddled Eggsy.

"Lube," Eggsy said, drowsy and now clutching Merlin's arm, not really wanting to let go.

"Handled," Merlin said and they both drifted off.

90 minutes later they were awoken when Harry rained lube and condoms onto the bed on top of them. "I hate you so much," Harry said. "Enjoy your fuck fest." He turned and walked out of the room.

"What the hell did you do?" Eggsy asked confused.

"Sent him a text telling him to get us supplies or else I'd tell Roxy that Harry really likes to be spanked."

"Is that true?" Eggsy turned and looked at Merlin. "And how'd you know that?"

"Honeypots," Merlin said.

"You aren't going to tell Roxy that are you?" Eggsy had no idea if he wanted Merlin to do that or not.

"No, but I might later imply to Harry that I let it slip just to see what happens. He really shouldn't have turned the sprinklers on us," Merlin said. He rolled on top of Eggsy and grinned down at him. "Now then, pick a lube, any lube, and let's have some fun aye?"

Eggsy grinned up at him and bit his lip. "Fun sounds fun," he agreed. He leaned up a little. "Wanna have some fun, Merlin?" he voice was low and rich and he watched the way Merlin's gaze went from fond to passionate in an instant. "Yeah," Eggsy said. "Let's have some fun."

Merlin kept Eggsy's mouth too busy to talk after that.

 


End file.
